The wife and I have an ongoing debate about what she thinks is the worst question and what I believe with all my heart is the best question: what are you doing this weekend?
My wife is sort of a go big or go home person when it come to personal relationships. If you're not having a big, deep, life changing discussion -- why have it in the first place? Often times she feels overwhelmed because she wants to reach out with friends she hasn't talked to in a while, but simply can't find the easy way to do it. Little emails to people saying, "You popped into my head today. Hope all is well. Let's chat soon." Those kind of emails, seem like they are not enough.
So of course, when she's having a deep talk with a friend or chatting with a co-woker, to her it seems shallow to just say, "What are you doing this weekend?"
I on the other hand think its the best question because of its simplicity and that it also leads to treasure trove of information. As you'll discover, I think most of what people are saying is baloney to begin with. It's what people do that is important. So what they are doing on their free time (the weekend) has major importance to who they really are.
Sample question to a co-worker, "what are you doing this weekend?" Oh, I'm going shooting with some friends." The results from further questions can open up that persons whole life, i.e. are they from the South? Do they own an uzi or a bazooka? Have they ever played Russian roulette? Those are silly questions, but real questions about shooting guns are endless as well.
Asking people what they are doing gives us a real-time peak at the actual person.
The other reason for that question is because it is so DAMN EASY.
I carpool very early to work with a really good friend of mine. It doesn't matter for guys how good a friends you are, if its 4:45 in the morning -- talking does not come easy. I'm groggy. He's groggy, but who they hell wants to have a conversation. However, awkward silence doesn't feel great either. So Fridays questions is always, "what are you doing this weekend?" Monday's question is always, "how did the weekend go?" Now all we have to do is find three days worth of commutes to kill.
It works with everyone: phone calls with your mom that seem stale; co-workers in the break room; other parents on the soccer team; the postman! You're starting a conversation and also getting really important information about a specific person.
But here is the rub about the weekend question and every question--you gotta want to know the answer! Most people walking on the earth don't want to ask the obvious questions because first and foremost they really care about the answer. Most people have already formulated what they want out of people and relationships, and what people are actually saying is just background noise.
There's also people like my wife, who with a very limited amount of actual free time because of jobs/diaper changing/friends/wine drinking/leg shaving/quilting, think that every conversation they get into has to be life-changing because they don't have time for any other kind.
So there it is. How do we become an interested person? Someone who wants to block out the universe and only pay attention to the person standing in front of them. Believing every conversation is important, to killing time with your least favorite fellow deacon at church to catching up with your favorite sorority sister. Knowing that everyone on the planet is a complex ball of life and when they reveal even minor details about what is going on behind their curtain -- your listening.
