Success(es)

Do you see what I just did in the previous post about success? I made success all about career! We all do it. Most frequently asked question when you're out at a mixer, "what do you do for a living?" When you go to talk to your wife's father about asking her to marry you, he says, "how is your career?" Your parents, brother, Aunt Jo Jo, all ask, "How's your job?" Sometimes it's a crutch because they don't know what else to talk about. But mostly, our culture wants to know how we are doing at work.

As I confessed earlier, if we're judged on our jobs - I am not a success. My wife earns more money than me. In my Monday through Friday gig there is no hope whatsoever of advancement. I am not challenged. I do not feel fulfilled(Monday through Friday). No recruiters ever call me. If I had to find another job or profession,  I have no discernible skills that would transfer. My job (Monday through Friday) is a certifiable dead end.

On the other hand, I like going to work. My bosses truly care for me. I work with great people. I get to use a parking garage for free. I get to be creative. It's not a success, but it has its advantages(paycheck and free coffee). I have a good situation - Its just not a success.

In fact, if you were to look at the main categories of my life, most of the columns would be marked: NOT SUCCESSFUL.

I am an average dad. I love my kids and take care of them the best way I know how. I get angry too much. I could be a lot more present with them. I could take a much more active role in the nuts and bolts(I leave that too the wife). I am not trying to be humble....if graded on some sort of Dad curve, I come out a B-. The good news is I have great kids despite my B- status.

I am not a successful husband. I love my wife. I have a great life with her. But I way under serve her. She works ten times harder then me. I should provide way more romance than I do. I should tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me way more than I do. Once again, the good news is I have a great marriage. I am completely committed to a ridiculous lady. I go to bed most nights chuckling because I look over and my main homie is sleeping next to me. Husband grade: B-.

Living situation -- definitely not a success,  C. I have crammed us all into a two-bedroom 15-hundred square foot apartment. Three kids in one room and we all share a bathroom(the poop line gets crazy). The single 50-year-old lady who lives below us, has been know to just start screaming through her ceiling, "stop the running and singing and tomfoolery, RIGHT NOW"!

Community involvement, big fail and zero success, D-. I have three kids under the age of 6. Often times it feels like I am being dragged through a desert by a rope from the back of a truck and someone keeps asking me, "Dad, can I have some more Cheetos?". I just don't have time to give anything back to anyone(I am nobodies soccer coach or Boy Scout leader or Sunday School teacher).

In the hope of moving this along: I'm a B- son. B- brother. B- poker player. B+ whiffle ball player. B+ drinker. C+ communicator. C- Sax player. A- Entertainment Coordinator.

Having now confessed my non-success, I will now present a few of my successes.

Success is a really big word, with lots of large implications. However, successes are small, daily, tangible wins.

For instance, I am not a cook. I just have to cook because the wife isn't around when it's time to cook dinner (she's working...but lots of times she is partying). Most days it's 5 o'clock and I have to give my attention to making the food (that means three kids are kicking the hell out of each other with no referee around). Up to this point, no kid has died (although someone got shived last month-the weapon was never found). There is screaming, crying and bleeding and most days we eat the food I cook. I try to be creative about what we are eating (not just heating up chicken nuggets, although that definitely works). Its a nightly success when my family has something to eat for dinner.

I take pretty good care of some folks that live on my street. My buddy Charles is wheelchair bound and lives in a group home. I consider it a success whenever he sees me and thanks me for buying his newspaper subscription.

I researched and came up with a recipe for tonic water (like for a gin and tonic). I usually have a batch ready to drink at home. Whenever somebody comes over and tells me they like it. I check the success box in my head.

I am the social coordinator in my family. I plan the hikes, the visits to bakeries, picnics and kite flying expeditions.  I get the feeling of success every time the family is doing something fun together and laughing about our Sharknado kite.

All of those are just successes, with only one category in my life where I have full blown success: friendship

I have unprecedented friendships. It's the one aspect of my life I take a lot of pride in.  However, the irony to having great friendships is that the friends have to be great.

I've maintained deep friendships because I invest in people. I make sure that I am involved in their life. I ask good questions. I meditate on what's going on in their life. I've come to realize that if you're interested in people, GREAT people usually invest back.

My closest friends are still the guys I met in the 3rd grade. We've gone from playing dodge ball together, to living as lazy single bachelors together, to dads and husbands. We've all grown into fuller and different people, but we have made a determined effort, through a lot of life circumstances, that we would all stick together. Basically, all we've done is stay interested in each other.

I moved away from those guys when I was 25. I remember thinking that I'd probably never make another friend again. It took me a few years after moving, but I ran into another life changing group of guys. We all live in San Francisco, which is known for being a transient town (people and families pick up and leave when they can't handle the hustle and bustle any more). Not this crew! And I think the reason is because we've invested so much into each other, now there's really no place else to go(we've kinda taken on each other personalities and wouldn't know how to act if the others weren't around). The other thing I will say about this crew is that everyone is so damn interesting and someone always has a hairball scheme that just has to be tried out (driving four-hours to eat a steak, mandatory 1/4 mile on your birthday) .

BE INTERESTED IN INTERESTING PEOPLE and life will not be boring. If life is not boring - YOUR LIFE IS A SUCCESS.

So there is my living contradiction. By all the major metrics in which the world judges a human being, I would be deemed -- not a success. However, when I look at the people that are actively involved in my life -- I feel like a success.



P.S. If you're a friend of mine and I owe you money.... I'd ask you to please not leave a comment.